...

Hey, it's me again. How have you been?

Recently, I've been going through some things. A lot of introspection. A lot of sadness. A lot of wandering about in my mind. Recently, I've found myself retreating to an old coping mechanism to shield myself from the horrors that I read about every day.

Recently, I've been collecting Transformers again. Now, I once was a big fan of these toys. During my early years, I was introduced to them by my dad, and there was just something about the transforming figures and their unique designs that capture my imagination. I collected as many as I could get as a kid.

It's been decades since. But with how things in my life have been going recently, I think I subconsciously sought out a coping mechanism, something familiar and safe. Something that made me feel...good, at least for a little while. And so I found myself scrolling along some sites, looking for these toys once more.

For the past few weeks, I've purchased a handful of them. Some Optimus Primes, some Megatrons. All of them are knockoffs because they're much cheaper compared to the official figures, and since I wasn't going to be bashing them against each other with abandon, I figure their plastic quality would be good enough for some posing here and there. Honestly, they're really good for about ten bucks apiece.

But in the back of my mind, I can't help but feel that this is just me trying to claw back some small vestige of my childhood as a way to shield myself from my responsibilities.

They're just another distraction. Another piece of nostalgia to give me a little piece of that memory when things felt right in the world and I could rely on tomorrow looking a little bit better.

It is difficult these days to look to the future and see anything but bleak skies.

It is difficult to try and muster up any feeling of optimism or wonder.

But I've been trying. I've been trying my damndest. I've been joining clubs and other social activities to try and push myself out of my comfort zone to actually get out and meet people. I cannot allow myself to just wallow in my room when I'm not in the office. No more plans, just whims.

But even this, I know, is just an exercise in futility. There is something darker on the horizon that I feel I am just trying to distract myself from. Something looming and sinister.

I'm tired.

I'm more tired than I've ever been.

Unfortunately, I keep waking up.