Hoo boy, it's nearly the end of the semester and things are beginning to heat the hell up. Exams piling on top of exams. Work is slowly ramping up again. I've got hardly anyone to turn to and vent about this stuff.
But I suppose you're here, so stay a while a listen.
I find myself freezing up when there are a ton of things I need to get done. I've been using a daily task list for the better part of a year now to try and keep myself on track during the day. I suppose for the most part, it helps. It keeps me from forgetting certain things, but it still doesn't completely remove that sinking feeling of when everything just seems to happen all at once.
If only my mind was a little better at staying on track, but I get so easily distracted. It takes a lot for me to focus on anything that isn't art. Every day, I wake up thinking about my death. There's hardly anything for me to look forward to these days. No sense of accomplishment or forward movement in my life. And I have so little time left.
How are you doing today? I realize that I might be talking a bit much, but please forgive me, for I have no one else to turn to besides you.
Ten years ago seems like forever and half, but I remember when I still felt somewhat optimistic about the future. I thought I would be able to make something of my life and do something at least interesting. I don't think I have.
I have spent the last 7 years of my life running around in circles, doing nothing but exist. Do you think ancient peoples wondered about this sort of this? Do you think they yearned for anything more than mere existence in their villages and towns? Do you think they were at peace with where they were?
Contentment, not happiness.
Contentment is such a slippery thing to find. We could all use some contentment these days, right? Stop trying to get or be the next big thing and simply be, but then we're bombarded with the message that if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind. We're told from a young age that you have to make something of your life and that you have to build accomplishments upon accomplishments in order to keep things running, because if you stop, it all falls apart.
When can I stop to smell the roses? When does my life really begin?
I fear that by the time I realize the answer to that, it will already be too late.
Every day, I imagine my death. Each moment of it. How I would go about it. The simplest, least messy way of doing so. How would I prepare my friends and family for that inevitability? How do I minimize the shock of it? Would there be any shock? Should I distance myself from them these next 10 years in an effort to numb them from my end?
Every day, I wake up and go through this in my mind. I think of the last thing that I'll ever see. I think of my last words to those closest to me. I think of how nice it will be to finally get some goddamned rest.
That eternal sleep calls to me. The ground calls for me to return to it. Bones ensnared by roots and flesh consumed by the soil.
It is the only thing that brings me any semblance of comfort these days. The knowledge that it will all be over in about 10 years time.
Do you think any of them will care? Who will mourn? Would it even matter?
I've mourned friends lost to this embrace before. I've questioned their choices or the choices of life to do so. But over time, the questions, existing without answer, becomes faded like a whisper. Life just moves on. It refuses to stop for any man.
One day, I will be a part of that endless abyss lost to time, and faded into obscurity, even more obscurity than what my name already knows.
In any case, I hope you're having a good day. And thank you for sitting a while and listening.