I think everyone wants to matter in one way or another. It's why we do what we do. We want to feel like we're making a difference, leaving a footprint on the world and the people around us. We want to feel like we are here for a reason other than pure fucking coincidence. We want to know that what we do has meaning, that it's not all just meaningless.
I think many of us would like to be the hero of our own story. Though I suppose I can't exactly speak for everyone. I'll speak for myself then.
I imagine myself as the main character of my story from time to time. I imagine the cool things I'd say in certain situations. The cool things I'd do. I'd think about how I'd play through a scenario a different way to make myself seem way better than what I actually am. But it's all just a sham. A play that flashes through my mind. All actors. End credits.
In reality, I'm a pussy.
In reality, I'm a coward who doesn't really speak much and keeps to himself.
In reality, I'm not a hero. I'm just another blank face walking along the sidewalk. Just another bystander. Extra #458.
I tell myself lies that I'm cooler than I actually am. I think of ways that my life could play out. But no more hypotheticals. I'm not fond of it, and I try to cut it off as soon as I realize my thoughts drifting away from reality.
Why am I like this? Why do I feel the need to create these stories? Why do I want to be that badass you see on the big screen? That's not me. I'm not a badass. I'm not a fighter. I'm hardly anything. Just another scared, lonely man who floats along life, occasionally bumping into things that bring a temporary meaning to his life.
Fellas, I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the morning, the evening, and the night. I'm tired of the walking, and the running. I'm tired of the meaningless pace from day to day. I'm tired of the Monday meetings and mid-week checkups. I'm tired of the emails and the elevator rides. I'm tired of the phone calls and the edits.
I'm tired, and it's a sort of tired that sleep can't seem to fix.